It dawned on me that I might be a bad customer. I go on and on about bad customer service and I don’t think that isn’t true but there’s another wrinkle. I think I’m also particular if not demanding.
I was in a flower shop ordering a bouquet for El Wifo to be delivered to her store (the greatest store on Earth, located at 373 Roncesvalles. Ardith, For all your women’s fitness fashion needs and cool jewelry made by Rick Moranis’s niece. She also has organic deodorant that actually works. Or if you just wanna hang out in the red tent and talk about your thighs. They are there if you need to talk. Mind you, no male Gazorpians allowed.) Anyway, the woman, in the flower shop was Japanese and English was her second language. I asked for $50 worth of flowers delivered tomorrow and it threw her for a loop and we went into said loop and down this rabbit hole together and shit man, I can’t speak two languages either so I could have probably been more compassionate. So I just said, scrap the delivery, I’ll come and pick up the flowers from you. And then we went through again how I didn’t care what colours were involved in the bouquet. You’re the pro, not me. I don’t know better than you. Why would I decide colours? The chef doesn’t come out of the kitchen to ask me if she should use cumin or cardamom, does she?
Here’s how I shop. I used to go into stores, buy stuff without trying it on, bring it home and just wear it whether it fit or not. Now I do the same but online and if it doesn’t fit I take the clothes to a tailor and she tries to fix them. I can’t wear belts anymore. They’re too constricting. I don’t like it. Unless I really have to. I don’t like wearing clothes anymore. Don’t fence me in.
So this, coupled with my already bad attitude, has lead to my expectations being raised and when they invariably go unmet I get hot. I get tight. So when a nice Japanese lady that hasn’t been speaking English for 44 years like I have doesn’t understand what I’m talking about I compare her to my online experience. Let me just reiterate I don’t like shopping in the first place. I don’t like that kind of human interaction. Unless it’s for groceries. Love grocery shopping. ‘Cause then you get food to cook for your friends and family. And then they love you.
Okay so I wrap things up at the florist and I go to the butcher and the butcher fella is so confusing. It was like an Abbot and Costello routine. (Is that the most relevant reference still for confusing dialogue?) I asked for some skirt steak. I was making Mission-style burritos. He asked how man pieces I wanted. And I ask how big are they and he says as big as you want. What kind of answer is that? How am I supposed to know how many I need if the size has not been agreed upon. And I’m hot again. I’m a little tight.
It’s hard to get good help for minimum wage. That’s what the problem is. You’re not gonna get your neurosurgeons. The system is broken. You used to be able to to raise a family of four slinging leaded at the Esso. You wore a tie. You made enough money. Houses were $75. A steak dinner was a nickel. No one ate fruit. You got an orange at Christmas. Cigarettes were free and they were good for you. It was a simpler time.
El wifo told me people will come into her store and window shop. They’ll just browse. Can you imagine living your life that way? Just looking? What do you mean? I go in a store in a dead sprint with my elbows sharpened. Get out of my way before I break into hives!
Other times people will put things on hold she tells me. Then they’ll go home and come back to Ardith to buy it the next day. They’ll make two trips over a pair of tights. Two trips! Can you fathom this?
So I think I’m difficult. I’ve always known this though. I don’t want a shopping experience I want things to magically appear. I don’t want to travel, I want to teleport to Modena, Italy. Until I own my own jet then sorry I’m gonna be difficult. Because everything is a pain in the ass unless I can do it all in under three minutes.
Sorry lady at the florist. I’m learning. I’m trying. I’m still meditating.
Maybe the Gazorpian matriarchy was right to get rid of all the males. And maybe you should bone up on your Rick & Morty.
Today we wrap up the incredible talk with Diana Frances. Enjoy and thanks for listening so so so so so so much.
J.B. in Toronto