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HOT BALLS

 

 

This one’s for the ladies… Did you know that during the hot weather all the male members of the species are just trying desperately to keep their balls cool. Every morning as they strap on a pair of the fruit of the looms the first thought that runs through their/my head is not “I’m so glad they invented underpants” it’s “fuck, I gotta put these things on. Can’t I jut walk around freeballin’? No I can’t. First of all it’s like a bra for your already drooping nut sack. My are down around my knees! Secondly what about the drips? Thirdly, boners happen and you gotta keep all that stuff strapped down. Fourthly, it’s a dangerous to be swinging around wildly. You can catch an errant testicle mounting your bike as you return home from the grocery store. You gotta make sure your boys are all playing in the same neighbourhood. Safety first.

 

The worst thing about it is the heat generated from keeping everything snug as a bug in a rug is enough to melt ice. It’s Toronto, 35 degrees Celsius and muggy as the tropics and guess what your junk is doing? Sweating like John Goodman in New Orleans. It’s Central America down there as my friend Jeff says. And when things start to sweat the next thing that’s just around the corner is the chafing. Oh, the red, burning stripes of aggravated skin on your creamy inners that develop as you walk with as wide a gate as. Half the time I’m trying to walk around a summer day in Toronto without my scrotum attaching itself to the inside of my leg. There are some design flaws on us for sure. And all the minty salves and baby powder cannot remedy this one.

 

Baby powder… please. They only called it that ‘cause they can’t call it Ball Powder. But that’s what it is.

 

And at the end of the day it is what it is going forward.

 

Blech.

 

Let’s get together and just breathe soon.

 

I love you,

 

JB in Toronto